I woke up this morning and I could tell it wasn’t going to be a good day. I don’t know how I knew, but I feel like life is going nowhere. Listening to the news is not good for my soul, I don’t even know what day it is anymore and the anxiety of feeling alone increases almost daily.
I heard on some interview that “insecurity is loud, confidence is quiet”. I’m not sure who originally said it but today it was Drew Barrymore, herself going through the ups and downs of this pandemic. Obviously I am feeling insecure, because here I am loud- mouthing my way into your world.
I have to look at the calendar to know what day it is but I laugh at my husband when he doesn’t. It gives me an edge to know, but he doesn’t know I had to look at the calendar just hours earlier. I tell myself to reach out to friends, and I don’t so I feel even more alone. I make a schedule to keep myself busy, and then some days I don’t do one single thing on the list. I try and support all the small businesses I can, yet I feel worried because it seems like the world has forgotten mine. I’m scared. I don’t even know if I’m going to be one of the lucky ones that make it. I push on and try anything I can to get through one more week until this is all over., just like so many others. I know I’m not alone in this worry, but sometimes it feels like it. I’m not a marketing guru, I’m not technical. I do however, know I’m a damn good cook and I continue to try and share that with who I can right now.
Is it wrong to express my discomfort with this new thing we’re calling life? Do I seem less professional, like I’m not supposed to let people know I’m scared? I’m not a big company or an established business and I haven’t been around long enough that the community hugs me with their love and support. I am just another person, trying to commandeer my way through this cluster that has happened to most of us. I’m trying to hang on.
I miss seeing those I call friends and those that I wish were. I miss my days when I know what I’m doing and when I’m doing it and why. I miss random trips to Target, just to browse. I miss going to the grocery store and anything and everything I want or need to buy is there for my purchase, and I don’t mind people hanging all over me trying to buy the same thing. I am mad at the governor for telling me I won’t be able to do anything until June. I’m mad because maybe my daughter can’t come home for the summer and I so desperately want to see her again. I’m depressed, and I’m allowing this cloud of doom to infect me worse than this virus ever could. I’m trying to cling to hope it will all be ok, but today I can’t. Today is not a good day. Today i’m allowing myself to feel all the things I’ve been pushing to the back of my mind. Today I’m dealing with this thing called life.
There is no need to feel sorry for me, and no need to think I’ve given up. As Drew Barrymore said, “you find your way”, and I am finding mine. I am hoping that people will realize it’s not just the restaurants and established businesses that are hurting. We’re all hurting. But I will find my way and with hope … and I really do have hope… things will get better and I will make it.
Today I am insecure. Today I am feeling like I have no control over anything that is happening and I’m voicing in a loud voice that I’m scared. Today I don’t know what day it is, but once again, like so many other days I will look at my calendar and I will know. Day whatever in what seems to be weeks of whatever.
Luckily there is tomorrow. Tomorrow, I will feel confident again, because something good will happen and I’ll feel the hope and be once again on the bridge of expectations and dreams, and I will be silent. Because this thing called life… this new norm… it’s ever changing and I am finding my way. Just like all of you. I believe we all feel this uncertainty from time to time and I believe we are all hopeful. We are all in this together. And I know we will all get through this. Because there is always tomorrow.